Yudibun's sample Photography

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

10 commandments to follow in bed

11. Most importantly, don't be drunk. Tipsy is acceptable, but don't chug 12 beers and try to make it work - it won't, and women will judge men with whiskey dick. Another risky problem caused by alcohol consumption: getting clothes off. Chances are people who get really drunk and try to take their clothes off will end up in a straight jacket position and passed out in their own vomit.

2. The next rule is intended for the gentlemen. Remember to be responsible and know what you're getting into before it's too late. Nothing is worse than enjoying each other's company and then popping one of the "no-no" questions, such as, "When's the last time you took your birth control?" Just put the condom on. No glove, no love.

3. Did your mom ever tell you to wipe that smirk off your face before you're stuck with it? Well, I believe that rule should also apply during sex. Some facial expressions can be really sexy, but if it looks like your partner just ate a bag of Warheads, chances are the confidence is gone right after the hard-on is. "Turning Japanese" is only acceptable during an orgasm.

4. Sex is not a time for chitchat. Partners want to enjoy each other and it's hard to concentrate when the mind wanders. Talking dirty is acceptable if both partners agree, but that's where the conversation ends. Don't describe how much homework you have or what you would name your first baby.

5. Keep the phone silent. There's always that one person in a packed theater who forgets to turn their phone on silent and then proceeds to answer it and have a conversation about his weird cauliflower growth. Out of courtesy for everyone involved, turn it on silent and don't answer it. Vibrate mode will merit extra points if used in a kinky manner.

6. Don't yawn or, even worse, fall asleep. Sleeping is for that three-hour biology lab, not steamy hot sex with your lab partner.

7. Don't be a two-hump chump. Again, this is another rule for the men. Women buy expensive lingerie for men's visual pleasure. If women spend 20 minutes trying to get out of the extravagant contraptions without ripping them, men owe them at least that long.

8. Ladies first. This is a rule for all aspects of life. The first to walk through doors are ladies. The first off the Titanic were ladies. Men - just remember this golden rule.

9. Don't stop to pee. Plan dinner dates accordingly - don't go out for spicy cuisine that can lead to glasses of drinks and hinder sex later that night, unless both partners are into that kind of thing, of course.

10. Remember who you're with. Nothing is more embarrassing than screaming the wrong name, such as your sister's, or a random name including "mom."

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Fun Facts

1If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm….....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….................)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Dirty Poem

roses are red
Lemons are sour
I'll open my legs and give you an hour

Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
1 hour Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Daddy Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!

Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
Leave your solution
And pray to god
You dont multiply

Roses are red
Grass is green
I'll open my legs
And you'll fill me with cream

Hickory dickory dock
I was suckin his cock
The clock struck two
He dumped his goo
And dumped me to the end of the block

Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid

Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgivin
So stick it in

roses are nice
violets are fine.
you be the six
if i'll be the nine.



thank you: DAWNIE Myspace